BASS PAIRS OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCE BREAK-UP
CHICAGO (AP)—The aspiring and often inspiring rock duo, Bass Pairs, have officially called it quits. After more than a decade of planning and as many as two gigs, lead bassist Jeff Bergau and lead guitarist Murad Sabzali have apparently decided to dissolve the band citing the desire to pursue independent projects. However, those close to the chemistry rock icons say that the riff goes deeper.
The band’s website, which has been taken down due to the utter lack of strategy, design and programming contained a single statement: “Bass Pairs has split due to irreconcilable creative differences ranging from the use of pantone colors, the future of gene expression technology, and bongo drums.”
Bartenders close to the pair claim the band break-up was due to a much deeper divide triggered by an argument related to the speed of light and heavy metal.
“Listen, heavy metal is not [f-word] heavy metal as you get closer to the speed of light. It’s [f-word] jazz. I don’t see why he can’t [f-word] understand that!,” said Sabzali as he was cornered by reporters while boarding a flight for London.
The band’s success and demise can be traced to its blend of distinct styles. Sabzali has been known for his “if I can’t hit the chord perfectly, I am not going to play” style, while Bergau has been known for his “you just have to feel the music, man” approach.
“They’ve literally only played two gigs. What’s all this hype about?,” challenged former employee Pat Armitage.
Current client, toxicology expert, and close friend of the pair, Dr. Mike Schlosser, did not appear to be too surprised when reached for comment. “I’ve known these guys for several years now. They seem to always challenge each other. They call it their secret recipe of opposing forces. I’ve seen it work. It does lead to a better product. I think this may be one big hoax and part of a stealth marketing strategy.”
Sabzali appears to be retaliating professionally against his former band-mate. “He’s going into the servers, finding old creative briefs, red-lining them and demanding that we re-launch old campaigns the right [f-word] way,” exclaimed a Chempetitive Group executive creative director that did not want to be named. Sabzali refuted these claims, then softened stating that this happened only seven times and only on Bergau’s accounts.
Bergau could not be immediately reached for comment, but waitresses close to the aging bassist claim that he is working on a heavy metal project with bongo drums. At press time there were rumors of a press conference that might be held from the bass icon’s bed in a hotel room in Amsterdam.
What’s next for the duo?
Sabzali is collaborating with his wife on a new project dubbed Home by Sicks, which can only be a reference to his proximity to the Illinois Medical District. The two hope to release their first single next year titled, [f-word] the C Chord.
“It’s no doubt going to be stressful around the holidays, Bears games, and birthdays. He is the Godfather of our son, and basically a part of our family,” said Carol Sabzali, lead vocalist for Home by Sicks.
Rumors of a European reunion tour and the release of a forthcoming greatest hits album Opposite Complementary Strands: A Bass Pairs Anthology could not be confirmed by press time.